used and bruised but still cocky

s l o w d r a m a

oh my god. so the guy in my russian class who has spent the last month more or less ignoring me texted me tonight to see if i wanted to come over and study, but then dragged out the text conversation so long that it was like midnight - we have class at eight thirty tomorrow morning - and then said he was sleepy, but we should study wednesday.

what in the entire fuck, why am i such a masochist.

in other, slightly better news i also have a crush on like, four other boys? one is not at all an option because i like the idea of him more than the actual him, one isn’t a real possibility because he doesn’t give more then three-quarters of a shit about me in even a platonic context i’m certain, one isn’t an option because i’m pretty sure he’s a minor (i’m a perv, i know - but you haven’t seen him!),  and the fourth is the only one with even a shimmer of realism to it.

this boy comes into my work (i work in a cafe) to use the wi-fi and doesn’t buy anything. then, totally randomly i saw his band play like a week and a half ago, and took the opportunity to introduce myself (well, okay, honestly i took the opportunity to indiscreetly follow him around after his set until he pretended to take pictures of me, then i said he looked familiar and he introduced himself. i would not want it to be said that i used the anonymity of the internet to make myself out to be a braver woman than i am). so yeah. then he came into the cafe the next afternoon while i was working and i tried my damnedest to chat him up a bit. and then, somehow and rather miraculously, he showed up at my friend’s roommate’s birthday party. so i got to actually hang out with him a little. thennnn i found him on facebook and friended/totally facebook stalked him today.

so… i guess my “shimmer of realism” i meant that i see him and have imagined that he’s flirted kind of maybe? i dunno. we hugged goodbye on… saturday night after the party, and i hugged one of his friends just before but it felt like my guy lingered a little. and then he did come into the cafe the next day. i saw him but was so excited and nervous that i didn’t go over to him. and then by the time i calmed down enough to decide to go talk to him, he’d left already. =/ but that was before i added him on facebook. so, we’ll see i guess. he’ll probably come in sometime this week while i’m there, and i can take him some free coffee or something.

ugh

this semester has been painfully boring slash tumultuous in regard to boys. the impossibly cute guy in my russian class has completely dominated my attention, just so he could toss it back at me and chuckle. we had a little lunch date, and the next night i went to his apartment to “study.” actually, we did study for a little while, but then makeouts totally commenced. and the next week i went over again, but this time the pretense was much more palpable. i stayed over, and we had (um, pretty terrible i have to say) sex and slept and woke up late and we were both late for the one class we have together. and i texted him to suggest that we discuss what happened, but he didn’t text me back until like, a whole week later. and then i ignored that text, because what the fuck who does that?

i’m just bummed though because i sit right next to him in class and i actually like him quite a bit still. and he’s still so cute, and he smells nice and wears v-necks, and he uses moleskines exclusively, and somehow always has the perfect amount of stubble, and he is pretty good at russian and rides his fixie to class. and sometimes he forgets (or doesn’t bother) to roll his right pant leg down after getting off of his bicycle. and when he sits he slouches and when he slouches the perfect tiny amount of stomach fat scrunches together to make a little roll right over his waistband.

we both take our bikes to school, and usually he parks his in some secret area and i never figured out exactly where thatwas - so even if we left class at the same time, conversations would get cut short once we left the building. but yesterday he parked his bike right next to mine! what? why would he do that? and then he used the extra time to tell me that he needed to go get breakfast, but neglected to invite me to breakfast. i don’t know why he would do that to me. it just seems mean spirited.

there hasn’t been a week since i gave him my number that he hasn’t texted me about something, even if it was something completely insignificant. but i’m probably just reading into every little thing because i want them to mean something.

urgh.

last week - in the middle of our teensy, five person class - he said my lip gloss smelled really nice.

agh!

but then, just that there’s this much confusion is a pretty clear sign that even if he kind of likes me, he probably isn’t worth the aggravation. any dude who can prong me and then ignore me in class for two weeks is not a dude i should get involved with in any further capacity.

what to do?

reasons to stay: eric is nice usually, he is pretty smart and not bad in bed, can be thoughtful when he tries, there’s not much of the semester left anyway, chances of meeting another viable male are slimslimslim before summer and i can keep an eye out while still getting some, he very nearly makes me feel good about myself, and is getting pretty good at making me come.

reasons to leave: he is aggravating as fuck, and incidentally always wants to fuck - which gets annoying, we don’t understand each other well, and even when he compliments me i only feel good about it like a third of the time (although that is more my fault than his), he eats off of my plate and is too loud in public and fills the ice tray the wrong way and over-steeps my tea (which is just a symptom of his general inconsiderate nature: he doesn’t see how people can have preferences other than his. it gets aggravating.), and finally: i have crushes on like five other boys: the cute boy in my building (with his aviators and swagger), the cute boy in my russian class (kasochki! *le swoon*), c (adorable, super nerdy, and excessively well dressed *drool*), j (mathy, dorky, piano savant)… okay that’s only four but the point remains valid.

on the one hand i know i shouldn’t be with him, but on the other hand i don’t give a fuck.